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Since I wasn’t feeling to well we decided to drive back to Sweden and further down toward Uppsala. This was the longest drive we did during our road trip. We never made it to Uppsala that night. It was Tuesday and the day before my birthday. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen for my birthday, all I knew was that we had to make it to Uppsala in the morning. There is not a lot to tell about day 11 since we spent almost the whole day in the car. It was good because it gave us time to talk and catch up on things in life that we needed to sort out when we returned back to Australia.

The Truth..

I know that there is a lot of people reading my blog and feel that they need to “help” me. I just wanted to let you know that I’m not writing this blog so I can get help. I’m writing this blog so I can inspire and motivate other that’s suffering from mental illness. It’s not easy and every day is a fight against yourself and the demons in your head. I have returned to getting a remedial massage once a week, because that helps me to relax and think about something else for a while.

To be honest there is no cure for mental illness, it will be part of you for as long as you live and you just have to learn how to handle it. My friends and family have been very patience and G has been wonderful, however I think it’s starting to be a little bit overwhelming for them as well now and since nothing is really helping me at the moment I’m not moving forward in life.

The thing that scares me the most is that every time I look myself in the mirror I can’t recognise anything about myself. It’s not me… it’s someone else starring back at me laughing because they are winning the battle. I’m strong and I won’t let them win, even if I let them some days. Today is a good example, I didn’t leave bed until 11am and I have not motivation. But I picked myself up and went for a little run to clear my head and when I got back I had some breakfast.

It’s a weird feeling to feel like you are locked into a jail, there is no place to go and your apartment (House) is your cell. You eat, sleep and shower in the same place and it feels like it’s getting smaller and smaller for each day. When I was home in Sweden I didn’t feel this way once, I believe it was because I lived with mum and dad in their big house and it felt like home. I have come to the conclusion that one of the problems that I feel like this is because I don’t have a home… Sure I have a roof over my head and I have a bed to sleep in, but it’s not mine. I can’t say if it’s going to help if I get a place on my own, but I’m sure it will make me feel that I have more freedom and control.

I have never been scared of writing about my feelings and it’s a way for me to deal with my emotions. It makes me feel better and I know that I can inspire and motivate others to relate and feel the same way. I don’t see that there is nothing wrong with writing on here even if other people think so. I won’t stop putting my feelings on paper and sharing them because it’s part of me and who I am.  People that don’t suffer from this terrible life ruining disease normally find it hard to understand why people do this. It’s not for attention or to make people feeling sorry for me.

Thanks for reading guys and for giving me the strength to move forward in life.

I Love You All.

XOXO